before books, i am beautiful

i love books, been buying them since i started reading bible stories and discovered pocketbooks. it keeps me away from thinking too seriously. i was a very sensitive and emotional child. i am hoping now i am an 'perfectly okay' sensitive type of gal and emotionally balanced. anyway, books make me happy, fulfilled, transformed. and my love for them gave me an image of being a 'nerd' in school. it suddenly made me a leader, an confidante, an adviser. moreover, buying books made me feel secure, it also gives me pleasure.

then, i've become busier, with a lot of responsibilities and opportunities to excel on my pending career, i am forced to seize buying books, thinking it's only proper for i still have books unread and the lack of time to read them made it more convincing i should set aside my affair with books.

But now, my boss wants me to look presentable for the image of the company! for most of the girls out there that's a no-problem! but what the heck to i care for clothes! okay...that's a lie. i have always been concerned for what i look and unconfident with what i wear and insecure at my hour glass vigure/chubbiness(mostly). that's why i quit trying to look good and just contented myself with the 'okay' look.

Now, i really have to get serious with how i look. i now have to buy clothes and make-up instead of spending money on books alone. i never had fun buying clothes, for fear i'd choose the wrong one which could only leave me to regret how much money i spent that i could''ve used for books.

i am afraid this transformation would break me, i mean i can't handle the pressure of being 'pretty' all the time. of being called 'maarte'. well, yeah, i am becoming biased now.

its so hard being a girl: its too expensive and sacrificial!

why do i have to wear heels if it could only hurt my feet??
why would i wear short skirts if it oculd only make me feel uncomfortable??
why??--for so many things. why can't we just keep it simple.
my advocacy is to be accepted as who you are.

But maturity comes to all of us, i guess.

i have to have an investment on clothes and make-up, now i have to set aside my love of buying books.i'm anxious of this change,im worried of the outcome of this change.

Making yourself beautiful on the outside won't mean you're vain or a flirt. it means you appreciate your body and so you're taking care of it. its just HOW and WHY you make things that matters. if your intentions wrong then all things fails. none would lead you to fulfillment.

But then "i have to be prepared for the rain" (facing the giants).

"TO GOD BE THE GLORY."

i will let myself be the image of my Wonderful Lord, to exude confidence because i am created with the image and likeness of His Being.

i love you, GOD!

I AM BEAUTIFUL. I WILL STAY THAT WAY TO GLORIFY HOW WONDERFULLY YOU MADE ME.