love's so demanding

May 18, 2010 was the date he told me about his feelings. he confessed, finally, that he loves me. i couldn't look at him, i kept asking questions, clarifying things my instinct told me before . most are true.

im the type of person who doesnt sit still when gray areas are present in any kind of relationship of mine.

but when i heard him say he loves me-a confirmation to my instinct, i didnt know exactly how to react and deal with the situation.

im not yet telling him exactly what i feel for him. but, i think he knows i care for him and we have the same feelings for each other.

i told him im afraid because the emotions im feeling at present are new to me and im not quite sure how ill handle it.

the next day he told me, he couldnt respond well to my answer that time because he feels the same way too.

we're both new to the things we're feeling.

__

they tell me im shy.prim and proper type of girl and warned me these kind og girls have wildness inside of them. they're the one who gets pregnant earlier than their classmates.

i have a strong principle of staying a virgin until i get married. but then, im easily see prospects out of guys i meet that qualify my ideal standards (but they're temporary, they last long enough for me to realize its not love im feeling or anything and just plain crush.

but what if i wouldnt be able to control my feelings when im in love and act fool as most in love persons do/act.

i dont like couples who displays their affection publicly. but i like it when he holds my hand and caress it.

i dont like it when i miss him or think abut him numerously in just a day.

i dont like it when he doesnt assure me he loves me.

i dont like it when im liking his attention in me.

i dont like it that i still like him even if see things improper (manners) on him.

but there, i accept those things.

what if i become a fool

what if i get hurt too much

why cant i believe someone could/would really love me, tha i actually have a partner in life just for me>??

...just following the trails of mind

dumatng ka na ba sa point where you felt you needed someone desperately.
i think you come to that point because you feel you're tired and for once you want someone to take care of you this time as you have been busy taking care of other people lately.

i long for someone i could talk to, someone to share my troubled, unmasked thoughts and crazy ideas. to have some fun with someone you know will protect and take care of you. someone who is....

i read in oprah's website about the magic of making list of things you want to have and so im inspired of making one. by the way, i did the same thing, i made a list of somethinge i want for a job but not written on a list but prayed to God and it worked. sometimes, the line "be careful what you wish for" flashes in my mind and it makes me really cautious of what to want or how i want to have something next. God has a way of directing us into his perfect destination that's right for us. and add that to our sometimes misguided will, we end up going to that destination the hardest way. but, anyway, we have different definition of 'hard' or ' hardest' that is.

im gonna make one soon,;)
a checklist of the right/perfect partner for me!
since i belong to the "no boyfriend since birth" society, figured my list would be idealistic but hope not. i sure want to have or toput some sense to it.hehe

;D

I prayed for...

i prayed to God that i be surrounded by good influential people.
i am.
the people i'm working with are Christians and they are helping me grow.
i pray, that we believe in the same God who created us all.

one of them told me we have the Holy Spirit within us. which makes us more powerful than bad spirits. my tita said we only have believe and claim it.
--
i believe God talks to me by means of His creations and the things around me.
i am afraid this peacefulness or feeling of just perfection and being connected with God end.
.breathe. my ultimate enemy is myself. so, i am afraid of myself being strayed to the wrong direction, wrong thoughts, etc. but i shouldn't.

i love Him. He loves me. so, i have nothing to worry.

"Psalms 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"

Countless Blessings 1

Feb 28, 2010

Fact:
.i'm an RM trainee
.my supervisor gave me an assignment today to be an RM to a new artist (blossoming artist at pinas)
. i wasn;t informed of all the details needed
.i assumed my artist knew what his schedule (he has the contact)
.turned out he didn't know everything, he neede an RM
.Now, i realized 'knowing' is my job where good performace is concerned.

My enemy:
.shyness
.pride

BUT
.i was blessed

GOD,
Thank You for...

speaking to me through a pocketbook (a gift from a cousin) with bible verses and it just happened that i flipped to a page i very much could relate it felt like you talked to me and sent me a message.

proverbs 26:10 TLB

AND one more,

while i was taking note of my feelings, i suddenly wrote..."God is watching over me.:) U shud be glad."

realization hit me, i spoke those words and everything was fine since then.

my only enemy was myself not listening for encouragement, not noticing His lending hand.


Once again, Thank You God, for
the courage to speak and inquire (it helped me a lot with my job this day)
;D

Frustrating Clashes of Classes

i have been referred to a job when i was enjoying my OJT at ABS-CBN. since, it was an opportunity, i grabbed it. and not just that, it would give me the raveling i want and exercise my social skills (a weakness i have to develop). i am truly blessed. there are doors opened for you to enter and stay for it will complete your needs, it would give you happiness and satisfaction. but then, there are also doors opened for you to enter and leave with experience and more knowledge. that's what i believe i am learning now.

opportunities from my 1st OJT are coming too. which makes me a bit more confused, and its maddening how to manage all things at the same time. i know, i have to choose. this is really frustrating!

okay, here's what i would do, 1. give my best at my present OJT and see if it would fit me. 2. before i do that i have to not let myself feel inferior (i have to deal with peole way out of my league, their class is higher than mine. i belong to a middle class/ OFW family. they belong to the rich class of the society. now maybe, that's the whole point here. i'm intimidated and insecure by them. i can't or am having a hard time butting in conversations. and cracking jokes. (harhar, would they even laugh if i tried,ha.ha.)

i really have to deal things with myself first. come one, me! i have to conquer my fears. i have to be me. i have to do something or else i wouldn't be able to do my job well. and i hate it when i'm not doing something i should. or worst want to do something but have no idea what!

ok, time to face the world again. have to go. you can do this, me!

before books, i am beautiful

i love books, been buying them since i started reading bible stories and discovered pocketbooks. it keeps me away from thinking too seriously. i was a very sensitive and emotional child. i am hoping now i am an 'perfectly okay' sensitive type of gal and emotionally balanced. anyway, books make me happy, fulfilled, transformed. and my love for them gave me an image of being a 'nerd' in school. it suddenly made me a leader, an confidante, an adviser. moreover, buying books made me feel secure, it also gives me pleasure.

then, i've become busier, with a lot of responsibilities and opportunities to excel on my pending career, i am forced to seize buying books, thinking it's only proper for i still have books unread and the lack of time to read them made it more convincing i should set aside my affair with books.

But now, my boss wants me to look presentable for the image of the company! for most of the girls out there that's a no-problem! but what the heck to i care for clothes! okay...that's a lie. i have always been concerned for what i look and unconfident with what i wear and insecure at my hour glass vigure/chubbiness(mostly). that's why i quit trying to look good and just contented myself with the 'okay' look.

Now, i really have to get serious with how i look. i now have to buy clothes and make-up instead of spending money on books alone. i never had fun buying clothes, for fear i'd choose the wrong one which could only leave me to regret how much money i spent that i could''ve used for books.

i am afraid this transformation would break me, i mean i can't handle the pressure of being 'pretty' all the time. of being called 'maarte'. well, yeah, i am becoming biased now.

its so hard being a girl: its too expensive and sacrificial!

why do i have to wear heels if it could only hurt my feet??
why would i wear short skirts if it oculd only make me feel uncomfortable??
why??--for so many things. why can't we just keep it simple.
my advocacy is to be accepted as who you are.

But maturity comes to all of us, i guess.

i have to have an investment on clothes and make-up, now i have to set aside my love of buying books.i'm anxious of this change,im worried of the outcome of this change.

Making yourself beautiful on the outside won't mean you're vain or a flirt. it means you appreciate your body and so you're taking care of it. its just HOW and WHY you make things that matters. if your intentions wrong then all things fails. none would lead you to fulfillment.

But then "i have to be prepared for the rain" (facing the giants).

"TO GOD BE THE GLORY."

i will let myself be the image of my Wonderful Lord, to exude confidence because i am created with the image and likeness of His Being.

i love you, GOD!

I AM BEAUTIFUL. I WILL STAY THAT WAY TO GLORIFY HOW WONDERFULLY YOU MADE ME.